Hello,

Thanks to everyone who joined the workshop. Here is a webpage you can read through, print out, and meditate on as you continue to be curious about what authentic connection means for you. Ther’’s also a feedback from below to offer feedback or ask questions as they might come up.

What is described below is what helped me (and quite a few people I’ve worked with in my coaching practice). And it draws inspiration some practices like Focalizing, Somatic Experiencing and IFS parts work.

The Roadmap

Step One:

Build your awareness of the issue. We spoke about this one in class. It’s not glamorous but it’s one of the most important parts because it’s virtually impossible to address something that you’re not consciously aware of. We did this in class, but it’s worthwhile to revisit it from time to time because your answers will change as you grow and learn to bring more of yourself into your relationships:

• What are the most common roles I play in my relationships?

  • For example: The helper, leader, empath, people pleaser, distant one, practical joker, fixer, fun one, rescuer, smart one, planner, critic, truth-teller or something else?

• In what way do these roles mimic the roles I play(ed) in my family?

  • Note: Sometimes these roles aren’t a carbon copy but they still leave you feeling the same way you did when you were young. This question is here because it gives you context about why these roles can be so sticky. They’re not only familiar habits, they’re often familial.

• What are the benefits of the role(s) I take on?

  • Even seemingly “unhealthy” roles can have benefits so take your time here. For example, does it make you feel special or needed? Does it relieve you of having to feel guilty? Does it keep you safe? The benefits are part of why the role is hard to shake because you might have to give up some of these benefits for the benefit of authentic connection.

• And lastly, what are the consequences of the role(s) I take on?

  • What you write down here is likely to be the reason why you’re even reading this right now. Are there ways you feel imprisoned by the roles? Or you’re noticing how exhausting it is, or one sided your relationships have become? What else?

Take your time. Revisit this.

Step Two:

Get intentional about your relationships. Now’s the time to begin to ask yourself what you actually want. For some people this is really hard to name because their lifelong pattern has been to not have needs or wants at all. Or that it was even dangerous to want anything. Try your best, start really simple.

Do you want more equal exchange? Do you want people to show up for you in the way you do for them? Do you want to be respected? Do you want to not experience some of those consequences you wrote down in your journal? What are you yearning for in your life? Write it all down.

I’m not implying you’re going to manifest the thing you want without effort (good on you if you do though). What I am sharing is that when you set an intention, you’re priming yourself to recognize when people and situations are or are not serving your intentions. And in those moments when you catch it, you’re again building even more awareness about your relational patterns and the status quo you’ve been operating under up to this point.

If this is confusing, I’ll bottom line it: When you set an intention, you’re going to be more likely to recognize when your relationships are contributing the consequences you’re struggling with. And… you’re also going to be more likely to recognize the opposite: when someone is available for authentic connection and wants to connect outside of the old roles and coping mechanisms.

Step Three:

Here’s the part where I’m sharing the model and framework I work within.

It’s time to reconnect with your body and the signals of your nervous system. (A.K.A. embodiment practices)

Read this next part slow and then read it again:

If you’re feeling imprisoned by a role or dynamic that you’re playing out across many of your relationships, and you don’t want to do it anymore but feel stuck. You likely have a pattern of disconnecting from how you authentically feel. Which is another way of saying, you are not connected to your body.

If you’re a person who is feeling like you don’t know who you are anymore. Embodiment is going to be especially important for you because how you authentically feel in the present moment IS part of who you authentically are. It can be an entry point to getting back to yourself when everything else feels confusing.

Here’s the thing no one talks about about embodiment practices. Feeling how you feel with embodiment may be scary at first if you’re used to avoiding how you feel. So, it’s really important to respect your limits and not force anything and the best way to do that is to start VERY slowly and in VERY small steps.

The practice I’m sharing here is what I believe will help the most amount of people and it’s called following the breadcrumbs. We did a really short version of it in class. But the truth is, it’s not a one-off practice. It’s meant to be repeated and practiced over time.

It’s an embodied meditation that you do for five minutes a day, preferably in the morning or evening. But you’re going to start slow, remember? So at first, you might only do this for one minute. And then after a few days, for two minutes. And after a few days, work up to five.

Why am I suggesting this? Because if you do this do this every day for a month, you will completely change the way you relate to your body. And your body will help signal to you when things are or are not working in your relationships. In other words, your body’s signals will become part of your internal compass and will highlight what needs to be addressed in your relationships.

Those who really earnestly practice this over time may even get to places where they become discerning about what social anxiety feels like vs. sensing a red flag that they need to be aware of in another person. So there’s a lot of depth to where people can get to with this simple practice.

Following The Breadcrumbs Embodiment Practice

I’ve described this practice in a lot of detail below which might make you think “wow this is really complicated.” It’s not.

This entire practice is about pausing for a few minutes, noticing how you feel, naming it as you notice it, and not trying to change how you feel. That’s it. But the details will probably help so read this through once so you understand.

Begin by setting a timer on your phone so your phone keeps time for you. Start with one or two minutes. Work up to five minutes after a few days. Some folks with meditation or embodiment experience will be able to start at five minutes.

Step One: Close your eyes or let your eyes softly focus somewhere where you’re not going to be distracted.

Step Two: Bring the focus of your attention to what your body feels like in this moment. It can be nice to start with noticing your breathing or feet on the ground at first. What’s it like to have a body? What’s your posture like right now? Adjust if needed.

Step Three: Name and follow the breadcrumbs.

When you notice a feeling in your body, say quietly on the inside “I am feeling _____” and fill in that blank with the best word you would use to describe the feeling. Do the best you can but know that getting the perfect word is not important. The fact that you noticed it is what matters.

Maybe you’re noticing you’re feeling itchy, hot, emotional, tingly, or still. It’s called following the breadcrumbs for a reason, the feelings might seem like little crumbs that are barely there at first.

Each time you name a feeling, take a breath and do not try to change how you feel. This is the most important part of the practice after you identify how you feel. Because trying to edit yourself is often part of the relational pattern or role you’re struggling with. If you want to practice authenticity using embodiment, use this practice to give yourself permission to be exactly how you are. Give yourself permission to be emotional, antsy, angry, messy or otherwise. You might even notice that by feeling the feeling without agenda, it changes.

Note: you can always shift how you’re sitting if you’re physically uncomfortable, treat yourself with kindness please.

One more piece to following the breadcrumbs: You get bonus points anytime you can also locate the feeling and describe if it has color, texture or is moving.

For example, when you notice you’re angry saying on the inside: “I am feeling angry and it feels like it’s sorta red, sits in my chest, and it’s buzzing around and moving into my arms too.”

If you can get to that level of detail, and then you give yourself permission to just be angry without trying to fix it or analyze it’s meaning for a moment… you’re doing an incredible job at practicing respecting how you authentically feel without trying to fix or mold yourself.

Most people will need do this practice for awhile before they get to this point. And some folks will need a somatic therapist or embodiment coach because support can really help with this.

Step Four: Pause, breathe, and wait for the next breadcrumb.

Each time you notice a breadcrumb of how you feel, describe it in the format I shared above and then pause, breathe and wait for the next breadcrumb to arrive. For most folks, this embodiment practice starts really slow and the builds momentum. On a given day the only thing you might be able to say is “I am feeling nothing and it feels like nothing all over.” That counts! Nothingness, blankness and numbness are all feelings you can apply this practice to.

Step Five: Be patient, keep going, and place a hand on your chest for support if you need.

Sometimes gently placing a hand on your chest will offer some felt support that allows you to keep going. Try this anytime you feel like the practice is hard for you and see if it offers you something.

Lastly, stop when the phone timer goes off or if you’ve run out of energy.

No shame in stopping at anytime because you’re out of energy or getting activated. Listening to yourself when you feel like you’re done is yet another way of practicing authenticity using embodiment. Because when you do you’re practicing honoring your limits. (Are you seeing how layered this really simple practice is?)

Once you’re done, check in. Journal for a minute or two if you like. What did your felt-senses and your body show you today? It’s common to feel present, stillness, tenderness and connected (feelings you might even associate with authenticity…) Conversely you might feel agitated because you met some more uncomfortable feelings on that day. Whatever you’re noticing, can you let yourself feel that way without trying to change it? Often whatever you’re feeling will shift and subside within the next five minutes without any effort on your part.

Final Thoughts On The Practice

Because I know sometimes knowing “why” helps us buy-into a practice. Here’s just a few reasons this can help:

• You’re reconnecting with your body, and if you do this for 1 - 5 minutes a day you’re going to start noticing and connecting back to how you authentically feel more often throughout the day. In other words, the benefits will stick with you.

• You’ll start realizing that your body expresses itself by doing things like becoming tense, feeling guarded, or feeling emotions like anger when you’re engaging in relationships that pull you away from your authentic self. For some of you, you might realize it’s been doing this all along but you never noticed it until now. That’s a huge deal if you notice this and worthy of celebration.

• Because you’re practicing noticing how you feel and not fixing or trying to change it, you’re practicing authenticity instead of overriding it or suppressing how you feel. In other words, you’re doing the opposite of what so many of these roles ask you to do, which is to disconnect from how you authentically feel to perform given role on behalf of others.

• This practice is like going into a gym and re-learning how to be honest about how you feel and your experience. And if you can re-build that skillset in yourself you’re going to be able to lean on it in those moments where other people pressure you to ignore yourself or when you’re unsure of what you want.

• On a given day if what you feel is “I’m pissed off at Nick for suggesting I do this,” you’re doing great. And if I was there with you I would say “fantastic, and where do you feel that? Does it have shape, does it have color? Keep going, keep watching for the next thing.” In other words, this practice isn’t about being zen or perfect or polite. It’s about being real and giving yourself permission to be honest. Sometimes that means not liking the practice.

Finally, Step Four of the Roadmap

At this point, you hopefully have sat down and journaled about what’s going on. You’ve set intentions about what you really want from your relationships. And you’re beginning to actively practice getting re-acquainted with how you authentically feel without trying to fix or suppress your feelings.

Now it’s time to bring it all together and put it into action by doing two things as often as possible:

1) Be curious about what your life is teaching you on a daily basis. Day to day, what are you becoming aware of? What are you learning? Where are things working for you? Where are things not working for you? This is where I’m suggesting you that continue building your awareness because it’s going to keep teaching you what is and is not meant for you. And because you’re engaging in an embodiment practice that promotes awareness building, you’re likely going to get a lot of new insights about what’s going on in your life on a regular basis.

2) Practice respecting yourself and taking the risk of authenticity when it is available and safe to do so.

When possible, begin dipping your toe in to what it means to live and relate more authentically. And if you’re unsure what that means, here’s the question I would ask you to ask yourself on a regular basis. Ask yourself:

“If I were acting in a way that respected myself, my body, my needs and my energy, what would I be doing differently?”

There’s a second version of the question that can also be helpful:

“If I felt safe to be more of myself, what would I be doing differently?”

Now, how can you take the answers to those two questions and make them a reality in your life?