What Is Intergenerational Trauma And Why Must We Address It?

Intergenerational trauma refers to the transmission of the effects of trauma from one generation to the next. Trauma can have a lasting impact on an individual's mental and physical wellbeing, and sadly this impact can be unconsciously passed down to future generations.

Some common ways the effects of intergenerational trauma are passed down are through inadequate or unhealthy family / parenting behaviors, through inappropriate or damaging roles children are recruited to play, and via the conditions set by larger systems surrounding individuals and families. For instance, economic, educational and systems of government can all enact and reenact intergenerational trauma as they impose policies that can be racist, classist, sexist, and can generally strip people of the chance of having a free and fair experience of life.

Addressing intergenerational trauma is important for several reasons:

First, it can help individuals and families heal from the effects of trauma and improve their overall well-being. This can lead to better physical and mental health, improved relationships, and increased resilience in the face of future challenges. Trauma creates separation. Healing fosters reconnection.

Second, addressing intergenerational trauma means working to break the cycle of trauma transmission and prevent future generations from experiencing the same consequences. Addressing the cycle and the means of transmission also has a positive impact on families and communities, and can lead to greater overall health and well-being in these groups.

Finally, addressing intergenerational trauma promotes social and cultural healing. By addressing the root causes of trauma and working to heal the wounds of the past, we can help to create a more just and equitable society for all.

What remains unaddressed and unconscious, repeats. This is true for the individual, for the family, and for the larger systems that we operate within.

Intergenerational trauma work is about doing what it takes to ensure history does not repeat itself at each level of our experience.

The Origins of Self-Blame

It probably doesn't come as a surprise to know that the experiences you went through before the age of 10 years old can define large parts of who you are. These early experiences can stick with you and influence much of the way you go about the creation of your life as an adult.

In essence, the stickiness is due to the fact that you're simultaneously forming the foundation of your personality while you're completely reliant on other people to keep you alive. And that adds a lot of power and intensity to whatever you go through.

What I want to shine some light on is a particularly troublesome idea that many people form during these early years.

The idea is "maybe it's my fault."

This idea can come about in a variety of ways. Perhaps in your early years you experienced neglect. Or maybe you had heaps of criticism thrown at you. Perhaps a parent left the family, or mom was dealing with anxiety. Maybe the family struggled with money, or dad was always angry.

Whatever it was, as a child you were prone to see yourself as the center of the world and so it wasn't much of a leap to pin responsibility on yourself.

Unfortunately, this tendency can be the origin of a lot of confusion and self-blame later in life.

The truth is there are many ways that the world interacts with you that is beyond your control. This isn't to say you don't have power over your experience, but it's critically important to know your limits.

Here's why this is important. When you look at how a person treated you or an experience you went through and say "maybe it was my fault," when in fact it wasn't at all... you are giving people and experiences that have little to do with you the power to define who you are. And that's a very painful way of interacting with the world.

Just as it was before the age of 10.

The practice of Family Constellations points to a definitive answer to the question of 'was it my fault?'

It doesn't matter what your strengths or flaws were. It doesn't matter if you needed special support. It doesn't matter if you were prone to feeling a certain way. It doesn't matter if you were different from other children. It doesn't matter. There is no set of events, context, subtext or background that changes this simple truth:

It wasn't your fault. And it's only the natural limitations, confusion and innocence of a child that could see it any other way.

When you can heal the inner-child and let them know it wasn't their fault, you heal the part of yourself that self-blames for things you have no control over.

Sometimes Acceptance Looks Like Pulling Away

Sometimes acceptance looks like pulling away.

When I'm working with family systems, I often encounter situations where an impasse has occurred. A child, now turned adult, may be locked in a struggle with one or more members of the family - often, it's with a parent.

In these impasses, the client wishes they could receive something from the parent. It may be acknowledgment, space, an apology, money, unconditional love or something else.

Though the content can differ, many of these requests go back to what I call 'the core plea' of the inner child:

"If only mom or dad were different, then things would be better."

"If only my father was present I wouldn't have abandonment issues." "If only mom could acknowledge me as me, then we'd have an authentic relationship." "If only I was taught how to do X, then I'd be ahead in life."

These are all examples of hold-outs from the inner child. Why? Because the hallmark of the inner child's voice is to make requests from a disempowered place. It's not good or bad, it's the child's nature.

A child cannot provide the basics of what it needs without help. And so it must ask for it from others and wait for it to happen. It has no choice but to hope someone responds to them in the way they want.

The adult is a different story. An adult is capable of finding the resources that give them acknowledgment, support, money, unconditional love etc. outside of their caregivers.

This can be an enormously tough pill to swallow. So tough, that these family impasses of waiting for someone else to change can last a lifetime.

When I work with these stalemates, I look for opportunities for acceptance.

Genuine acceptance heals. And it looks completely unique for each person.

Sometimes acceptance is warm and fuzzy and looks like forgiveness. Sometimes it looks like pulling away... and that's no less beautiful.

In fact, stepping back can be one of the most empowering acts of a person's life. It's like saying, "I no longer need to get this from you, because I know I can find it for myself."

This type of acceptance can transmute and heal decades-old impasses.

The Empath Trap

Here’s a core trap I've witnessed empaths get into. It's a little thought that starts something like this: "If I give to you, you will want to give to me without me having to ask for what I need.”

 This is a tricky one for a few reasons. One, it's really innocent sounding on the surface. It feels like an obvious or fair trade. Why wouldn't the person receiving something want to balance the equation and give back?

 However, in my experience, if we don't dig a little deeper into this, the idea that giving will inevitably lead to receiving creates imbalance all over the life of an empathic person.

 The issue really lives in the second part of the statement: "without me having to ask for what I need."

 Many empaths give to others in the hopes of a certain outcome. Perhaps the outcome is that the person will thank them. Or maybe that the person will change in some way. The desired outcome can look any number of ways, but in most cases, the empath would like to receive something or see the behavior or beliefs of the other person change.

 The problem is, this indirect way of trying to get needs met is all a sort of coverup. Instead of openly expressing "here's what I need," the empath is sneaking around it and hoping it happens without asking for it.

 Coverup, sneaking, not expressing needs...

 Maybe you saw this coming... but I'm really writing about shame again.

 Not expressing needs is a way empaths carry shame. The shame of unworthiness, undeservedness, inferiority and so on and so forth.

Here's why it's important to recognize this. Unhealed shame propels many empaths towards the very people that reinforce their beliefs. In a sense, shame can act like a magnet and attract an empath to people who treat them as unworthy, underserved and/or inferior.

 If you're an empath, take a moment to think about the following: have you directly expressed your needs to the people you want to have fulfill them? And part B, if you haven't, what's stopping you?

 Let that be a jumping off point to root out any shame sitting in the shadows.

Healing From Shame: From Self-Improvement, To Self-Acceptance

I'd like to share a little more about the concept of shame and 'shame games' since it resonated with so many people.

First off, I want to honor self-improvement. Self-improvement is beautiful and I love it and I love people who love self-improvement.

True story - when I was in high school I half-jokingly told a close friend to shoot me in the face if I ever became 'stuck in my ways' because I thought it was the worst quality a person could have.

He reminds me that I said this from time to time...

It's such a beautiful and helpful quality for a human being to want to grow and embrace change.

It keeps things fresh in so many ways. It helps keep romantic partnership from getting stale. And it means there's always something to look forward to because tomorrow is a new day where you can learn and experience something totally new.

Here's something I want to share: In my experience, self-improvement is fantastic... unless it's being used as a way of putting off, or altogether avoiding, self-acceptance.

What I mean is, a self-improvement mindset tends to look like this:

It says "my best self is waiting out there in the future, and I just need to fix a few things for me to get to it."

It's a really innocent sounding idea. But how often is this idea of needing to change something about yourself your main motivation?

If you always feel like your true-self, best-self, higher-self, or successful-self is in the future because you need to fix some things, you may be playing a shame game under the innocent looking banner of 'self-improvement.'

It all comes down to an issue of order.

One mindset that you need to improve yourself first and then you'll be able to accept yourself. In my experience, this is a sneaky shame game.

My gentle suggestion is to consider flipping this. Try acceptance first, and watch how acceptance can support you, your wellbeing and any goals you would normally set on a quest for self-improvement. Acceptance not only supports the present situation, but can powerfully inform any actions you do end up taking.

Experiencing acceptance first takes shame out of the equation.

A Symptom of Shame: Constant Self Improvement

This quote was shared with me yesterday: "a symptom of shame is to always think of yourself as a work in progress and that you've never fully arrived."

I feel this really hits home. And so this post is dedicated to sharing some of what I've observed about how shame operates:

Shame feeds on isolation and secrecy. Shame loves when we don't talk about it.

Shame is a little workshop we keep in a basement that is used to fix all the things that are broken about us in total secrecy. This way, we have control over when we show these parts to anyone else. And in general, we hold off on showing any of these parts until we feel they've been put back into perfect working order. Shame and perfectionism are two sides of one coin.

Shame with money makes us feel like we need to solve our money issues and never admit how much debt we're in.

Shame with our health asks us to not bother the waitress, our friends or our family about our diet or food allergies. And so we eat foods that make us feel awful so as to not take up space with our needs.

Shame with sex asks that we never speak about our needs with a partner. It also prefers we not connect to how we don’t know our own needs because there's shame in that too.

Shame is the feeling that there's a piece of who we are that burdens others, and therefore must be hidden.

And one more thing - shame is a very common experience for people who belong to family trees that include addiction, trauma and/or abuse on one or more of the branches.

In other words, you may not have personally experienced these issues, but if they're in your family, you're more likely to have a close relationship with shame.

The simplest tool we all have to transmute shame is to talk about it. To talk about shame is to take these hidden pieces out of secrecy and into the light.

Here's the exciting part of doing this. You may discover that the parts you were hiding are not broken after all. And they don't burden the people that matter.

What's something you feel shame about? Consider commenting about it below, not only because it's healing to access it, but you're practically guaranteed to help someone else who relates.

Art by @fredericforest

Grief in The Face of Death

"Whatever is alive is incomplete and in a process of becoming. The dead are complete. The longing for completion is, in essence, a longing for death. In order to stay living one must respect incompleteness.”

-Bert Hellinger

A really special quote from Bert. In Family Constellations, when the reality of death is acknowledged directly it can often soothe the family system rather than activate it.

Here’s one example of what I mean.

When people are faced with grief for the loss of a loved one it can feel like a tangled up mass of ‘whys’ along with anger, sorrow and/or regret.

On a deep level, the divide between those who are still alive and those who passed feels like a vast chasm. The expanse is so great it’s as if both sides will be hopelessly disconnected forever.

There is a healing sentence for the living to say to the dead in these instances:

“I will join you, in a little while”

This statement shifts the felt sense of distance in such a powerful way. The living and dead are suddenly barely separate at all.

You may appreciate trying this on your own. Try closing your eyes and visualizing a lost loved one 5-8 feet in front of you.

Notice how they look at you and how it feels to look at them. Then say the statement out loud “I will join you, in a little while,”

Notice how your body and mind shifts, notice where your thoughts go. And notice any ways that the image of the deceased person changes.

I love this healing statement because like so many in this work, it’s really just a statement of fact. And I appreciate Bert’s commentary of the total completion felt on the other side.

Thanks to Barry Krost for highlighting it ❤️

I'm super excited to share that Maha Rose (@maharosenyc) has selected me as their featured practitioner for the month of February!

Maha Rose has been my home away from home for the better part of two years now and has been the location for at least 15 of my workshops since '17. If you live in NYC and haven't been, do visit as it's truly a special place.

As part of this February feature, I've opened up extra session slots during the day for people who want to work with me at Maha. To book a session with me, visit MahaRose.com and click on 'practitioners' in the top menu. You'll see me on the list and you can follow the steps to book.

Podcast Feature On The Wellness Crossing Podcast With Kami Lingren

I'm SO excited to announce that I've been featured on the Wellness Crossing Podcast with Kami Lingren (@kamichristina). To listen, click here: http://livinggraceblog.com/family-constellation-therapy/

On this podcast, Kami and I spoke about my work with Integrative Coaching, Focalizing and Family Constellations and how family history plays a role in the process of healing from chronic illness.

We also touched on a subject near and dear to me which is that healing is found in authentically moving away from blaming our families and doing the work that allows us to take responsibility for our lives.

Of course, this doesn't mean we don't speak our truth. But blame isn't the end goal.

Take a listen, Kami is a really kind and gentle soul and it's well worth your time to check out all the work she's doing around self-care, Reiki, and life after chronic illness.

In addition to being available at the link above, it's on iTunes, Google Play and Sticher for your listening pleasure.

New Workshop: Love's Hidden Symmetry

Workshop Date: Saturday January 26th, 2019
Workshop Type: Family Constellations
Time: 1p - 6p
Location: The Sheen Center for Thought & Culture
18 Bleecker St, Manhattan, NY 10012 (STUDIO A)
Exchange: $110
Total Participants: 12*
Click here to register

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

Each and every one of us loves in our own unique way. For most of us, we tend to excel in some areas and struggle in others.

Perhaps you’re great at giving love and are less comfortable receiving. Or you receive love easily, but mysteriously lose interest in people after an early phase of excitement. Maybe the particular way you act in relationships is something you’ve always done, or maybe you’ve gotten burned and tried to reinvent yourself.

Regardless of how you act or react in relationship today, one thing is clear: everyone carries a particular template for how we give and receive love. It’s a map that guides all the patterns we fall into when we’re seeking partnership, getting into relationships and maintaining relationships.

Whether you’re a giver, receiver, the provider, the strong one, or the distant one: being or having ‘a type’ isn’t necessarily the problem. The problem is when we feel stuck in patterns that put us through familiar cycles of feeling disappointed, hurt, unloved, lonely, distant, disconnected and more.

On Saturday January 26th, we will be engaging in a powerful and experiential healing process devoted to rewriting your template and putting unhealthy or unwanted relationship patterns to rest.

Sheen Center

Studio A

Family Constellations for a Healthier Connection With Love

Using Family Constellations, a groundbreaking healing modality, this workshop will hone in on an often overlooked or misunderstood aspect of the human experience: the effect your family of origin has on your present day life.

The power of this approach is in its ability to simplify what often feels like a complex or confusing set of issues. Instead of digging into a lifetime of stories of let downs, break ups and/or grief, this process helps you surface what lives at the core of the patterns you’re seeing in your love life.

Once uncovered, the work aims to provide you with meaningful and lasting tools to heal that can have far reaching effects outside of the workshop.

Why Family?

Family Constellations is supported by two decades of Epigenetic research which has repeatedly shown that what your parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents experienced in life has a major impact on how you move and act in the world today. By considering your relationship to family and the experiences of past generations in your understanding of a present day challenge, you’re given an extraordinary opportunity to find solutions that might never have been considered previously.

What Happens in the Workshop?

Family Constellations is an eyes-open, experiential approach, in which fellow participants will be asked to stand and represent relevant aspects of your life. Depending on the issue you’re experiencing, representatives may be chosen for your partner, an ex, or other people in your life or family. As these individuals stand in representation, they will be gently guided to tap into an awareness that allows them to become a mirror that reflects back the dynamics you’re exploring.

At first, the accuracy of these maps or constellations may be surprising. But as we progress through the workshop, we’ll go beyond creating visual representations of your life and move towards how you can free yourself from the entanglements that are wrapped around your potential to receive and experience love in the way you want.

Some of the Intentions of This Workshop:

• Engage in a process of connecting with consciousness that is beyond the ordinary

• Uncover barriers that are entangled around love, relationship and your family system so that they may be seen and healed in conscious awareness

• Break the unconscious patterns that pull you toward recreating echoes of the past in your present day life

• Offer practical steps to move forward with strength to make meaningful and positive shifts in your life outside of the workshop

A note: Every person will experience tapping into different family systems and representing for each other in the workshop. Due to the format and time frame, some people may not be able to take on the role of the client and have a personal Family Constellation. However, for the vast majority of people that engage in this work, the experience of representing for others is as personally significant as being the client. We are all connected, and it’s the process of representation that supports the intentions you bring to the workshop. There will also be group exercises that will ensure everyone is receiving personal insight specific to their experience.

*This class is limited to 12 people in order to provide as much individual support as possible.

Register For This Workshop

About Nick

Nick is an integrative coach in private practice specializing in family and inherited trauma, mindfulness, applied neuroscience and energy work. He is a leading practitioner and trainer of Focalizing, a powerful mind-body approach to trauma resolution. Nearly five years into his work in trauma healing, a mixture of intuition and serendipity moved him to work with several world renowned facilitators of Systemic Family Constellations including Suzi Tucker, Dan Cohen and Emily Blefeld. Today, he has become a prominent voice for Family Constellations and is one of the most active FC facilitators in the Northeast. Nick’s greatest strength is in the sacred space he holds for healing. Those who work with him are given the gentle support they need to allow the deepest aspects of their being to shine.

Interested, But Can’t Make it This Time?

Sign up for Nick’s mailing list. Nick sends one or two emails per month with workshop updates. It’s the best way to know about future events.

The greatest gift a healer can give to someone is the space they hold. The space is where the exchange happens; where healing occurs.

When we hold a space of non-judgement, a space of belief that something new can emerge, of facilitating by example, whoever we work with has the opportunity to melt into that space and receive what they need.

That’s what facilitation is. It’s like holding open a door. Everything after that is beyond our control.

We Cannot Choose Whether or Not We Love Our Parents

On the deepest level, you cannot choose whether or not you love your parents.

When you consciously reject a parent or a part of your parent out of resentment, your unconscious reacts by making up the difference.

In other words, in the absence of conscious love, the unconscious works overtime to express love for parents. Either way, love is present.

What does unconscious love for a parent look like?

Mimicry.

Unconscious love says “I’ll show I still love you by being and acting like you.”

And so we make up for any conscious rejection by adopting aspects of our parent’s behavior, thought patterns, way of being in romantic relationship and much more.

This is why my work with Family Constellations is about making peace with family. When we can heal and let go of the resentments, we have more freedom to choose what we carry from them. It’s another example of how gratitude heals.

With gratitude we have the freedom to take the best parts of our parents and kindly leave what doesn’t serve.

By contrast, if we remain living in resentment of our parents, we end up getting stuck playing an existential game of ‘whack-a-mole.’

We realize we’re dating them in our partner and it horrifies us. Then we notice we are prone to anxiety just like them. Later on we use or lose money like them and so on and so forth...

Each time we notice these forms of unconscious mimicry we hate it. So we whack away at each one attempting to keep all the moles down in the hopes that we can be free of our parent’s influence through rejection... but we can’t.

Here’s why this matters. Whether we choose to accept our parents or not, we received 50% of our life from each. 50% of us is our mother and 50% is our father.

Reject a parent and you’re rejecting a part of yourself. The external rejection creates an equal internal rejection... a withholding of self love.

After some time seeing this play out over and over again, unconscious mimicry of a parent has taken on a new meaning for me.

Instead of being a longing to love and be loved by our parents, I now see it as the unconscious attempt to restore love for oneself.

Photo by @madisonperrins

So funny, I bumped into this quote right after I put up my last post about wholeness.

It may sound counterintuitive, but when we bring opposing feelings, emotions or energies together, it can create dramatic healing.

In a sense, it’s like we’re returning two separated pieces back together so that they can balance each other and create a powerful third experience.

Here’s how to try it yourself:

Close your eyes and think about something that’s creating resistance or represents a barrier for you. Once you visualize it for a moment, notice how your body feels, can you locate a place of tension or movement that seems to get activated by visualizing the issue?

Once you locate it, now visualize an experience or connect to a feeling that represents the exact opposite experience of the resistance or block that you just pictured.

If your barrier was about being stuck working long hours, the opposite image might be a memory of being in nature, or picturing yourself flying, or traveling.

Notice how this new opposite image feels in your body and locate where you feel it most.

Next, gently invite the sensation you just located in your body to move towards the place where you felt the resistance or barrier expressing itself physically.

Have the second feeling or energy move towards the first feeling and when they meet, visualize and feel the two gently merging and mixing at the edges.

Let both feelings mix completely and notice if you get a third image or third feeling. Allow however they mix to be the perfect way for them to combine.

If it went smoothly, you’ve just completed a piece of energy work that can dramatically change emotions and thoughts. Repeat as necessary.

When you’re feeling stuck or struggling with something try merging opposing energies. Your body and mind will thank you.

The Journey Back to Wholeness

To be honest, until recently I didn't think of healing as a journey back to wholeness. Lately that's been changing.

At some point, you've probably seen a reference to how our problems come from separation.

There's the concept of 'ego separation' which speaks to how it's an intrinsic property of our ego to create separation from each other and the world around us.

It's also in the story of Adam and Eve. At one point we were part of the garden, but when we ate the forbidden fruit we were cast out (separated). Now we must find our way back to the kingdom (wholeness).

Regardless of how you conceptualize it, there's little doubt that separation is detrimental for us and connection is healing.

Here's how I've been seeing the concept of wholeness the past couple weeks: When we are seeking healing, one of the ways we get easily stuck is when we don't see that the part of us that's resisting change is on the same team as our intention to heal.

Think about a part of you that seems to be resisting your growth/healing/forward movement.

Now ask this: what’s a positive motivation underneath that resistance? Think of a few if you can.

As an example, does resisting change allow you to feel safe? Does it support you financially or allow you to feel secure? What else could be positive intentions underneath the resistance?

You may need to sit with it for some more time but to share a hint of where this leads... intentions like feeling safe or secure are vital to the healing process. In other words, it's impossible to heal if you feel you’re in danger.

So for example, instead of framing a need to stay safe as resistance, on a deeper level it can be seen as the part of you that’ll ensure you feel safe and open enough to receive what you need when it's time.

Similarly, what are some of the deeper intentions underneath your desire to heal? If you meditate on this you're likely to find that these deeper intentions are similar (or identical) to the resistance's intentions.

So what does that mean? Underneath the appearance of two parts in conflict is one part seeking a single goal.

It’s the journey from separation to wholeness.

Photo by @_ashleywood

Podcast Interview with Candice Wu: Death Opens Possibility and Connection

I’m excited to share a new podcast that I recorded with the talented and brilliant Candice Wu. Candice and I met at a Family Constellations intensive / conference a little over a year ago and quickly connected around our shared background of both Family Constellations and somatic healing approaches. We also come from the same mentor who taught us Family Constellations, Suzi Tucker.

Candice is a Somatic Experiencing practitioner, Family Constellator, and multi-modality wonder woman.

During this conversation we touched on all things Family Constellations, my work with Focalizing and somatic healing, the power of opposing energies coming together, and as the title suggests: the role of death in the healing process.

There’s also a special promotion given in this podcast. If you’re a first-time client and you mention it by name when you reach out to me, I’m happy to honor it.

In addition to listening the podcast, definitely check out Candice Wu and her work. She does women’s retreats in national parks, travels the world and provides therapy along the way, and somehow still has time to record a regular podcast.

"You don't truly love someone until you love their fate, too." - Bert Hellinger

"You don't truly love someone until you love their fate, too." - Bert Hellinger

Here's a quote I love because it reminds me to be wary of the trap of wanting people to change.

It makes me think about all the people I love but wish would find love, be happier, quit drugs, heal, acknowledge they were wrong, believe they are worthy, agree with me, be more spiritual, be less spiritual, stop the paranoia, change their life, and many more.

It's an attractive and innocent feeling to 'want only the best' for someone. But since when was life about experiencing only the best parts? Clearly, life is much deeper than that.

This quote reminds me that the hope that other people will change is at odds with loving and accepting them as they are.

A few months ago I wrote about how powerful it is when a listener says nothing more than "I hear you" or "I see you" when someone is sharing their struggles. It's powerful because acceptance is healing. And trying to solve the problem actually makes it worse.

This Hellinger quote points to the idea that if you think you can change a person's fate, there's a part of them you're not accepting. On some level, you are saying "I know better than you."

But we don't know better for other people. For example, we don't even know if 'being happy' is what another person needs at this time in the larger context of their life. What if being unhappy is the best possible thing they could be going through right now?

We don't know what's best for another person because we only know our experience. And odds are we don't have the solution because we don't know what it's truly like to live someone else's unique fate. A fate that includes their traumas, gender, race, culture, who their parents were and much more. What makes up a person's unique fate is infinitely different from yours.

The deeper we can engage in accepting other people as they are, the better the chance they have to find their own solutions. When someone is accepted, they are able to keep their dignity and their strength and that propels them toward what they need.

It's my experience that what other people need is always deeper and more complex than what we want for them.

Our Bodies Are Our Most Accessible Point of Entry to the Healing Properties of Nature

Our bodies are our most accessible point of entry to the healing properties of nature.

I recently read an article where people were successfully being treated for chronic depression by going on regular hikes in the woods.

I’ve experienced this countless times: nature heals.

There ’s a reason looking out at a forest from a high vantage point gives you a sudden sense of being able to take a deep and restoring breath.

There’s a reason why staring up at the stars on a clear night gives you peace.

Natural space is healing. And it’s not just the organic physical world in front of you, but the space in between everything. The greater space we take in the more healing it is. The smaller we are in the space the more peace naturally bubbles up within us.

So what can you do when you don’t live in the woods or on a beach?

Cultivate your ability to make space within your body.

When I work with people, I show them how to create a felt sense of space in their bodies that allows healing movement to occur. As soon as they give the emotions and physical sensations entangled with a ‘problem’ the space it needs to be, it begins to move and change.

Your body is an access point to the healing properties of nature because your body *is* nature.

This is why simply bringing your attention to the rise and fall of your breathing or the felt sense of your feet on the floor immediately shifts your mental state.

You are engaging directly with nature when you do this. And nature heals.

A Core Concept of Meaningful Healing: "What You Resist, Persists."

Whatever you are feeling has a right to be. It belongs.

So much of Family Constellation healing work revolves around the simple understanding that every member of a family inherently belongs. And the moment this is violated like when a family member is ostracized or otherwise shunned, it creates a rift in the family. What’s surprising is that this rift actually continues to affect future generations in a variety of ways.

I’ve written about this idea in the context of family and ancestry many times but here’s what I haven’t shared with you: The energy of a family system moves identically to the energy of your emotional and physiological systems.

What that means is that when we ostracize or otherwise resist a feeling or emotion, it sticks around and continues affecting us. Allowing for feelings and giving them permission to be as they are (just like people), is what allows them to move towards existing in a healthier harmony.

Applying this to our emotions is counterintuitive to most of us, but it ’s actually a major key to creating healing movements in our lives.

If you are struggling with a tough feeling, mental health issues like anxiety or depression, or even a physical challenge, try this and see if it starts a shift in your body and mind:

Close your eyes and connect with how your body feels.

Locate where in your body you feel the emotion or issue most.

Bring your awareness to that location in your body and learn a little more about the shape, texture or movement of it in your body.

Then say this to the feeling, either aloud or in your mind: “I honor your right to be here, you belong”

Then take a minute to honor it and give it permission to be. You can honor the feeling by watching it and giving it space with no agenda to change it, just like you would a child. Then just watch what happens.

This all comes back to that clever rhyme “what we resist, persists”

Give your feelings full permission to be, then watch how they change.

"The Rootless Are Ruthless." -Bertold Ulsamer (Veteran Constellations Trauma Therapist)

There is a relationship between being cut off from family, ancestry, and community and our experiences of anxiety, depression, anger, violence and virtually all forms of personal and interpersonal problems.

This quote focuses on the historical perspective that the worst atrocities are committed by people who are on many levels, rootless.

However, setting aside violence on a historical scale, the relationship still remains. There is a strong connection between how we relate to our roots and the mental health issues or disordered behavior we witness in our daily lives.

Our relationship to our roots can ground us in our strength, supporting us to be bigger, more, and more successful than the people we come from. Or it can leave us feeling unnurtured, isolated and like we're always missing something in our live.

When I work with clients, I help them explore their family system, ancestral system and the cultural systems they belong to. When we do this, it's not to point the finger at Mom, Dad, a religion, the boss, or the perpetrator. It's to learn how the client lives in relationship to these systems and individuals.

Do they feel they belonged in the system they came from? Do they feel like an outsider? Did these systems hurt them in some way? Does resentment remain? Do they feel safe? Historically, did they protect or control others?

These are the dynamics that have covert ways of continuing into our adult lives. It's less about what happened and more about how we carry it today.

Looking for these clues is what moves us closer to healing at the root level. I work this way because it means a session doesn't just address a symptom or two that the person is seeing at their job or with their significant other. Instead, we seek to create a deeper healing movement that addresses not only the visible symptoms, but provides a whole range of unexpected benefits that the person didn't realize were also entagled with the original 'problem.'

It's the difference between fixing a problem and healing from what nourished and supported the problem into being in the first place.